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Humiliated

07 May 2015

I don't want to blog about this or either way to share this on my blog
because it's the worst feeling ever 
I try to calm down myself and telling that everything will be fine 
and I might be alright after that

Until just now I received an email 
which make me feel sad and it remind me back all the worst experience
Which I don't think I should deserve it.

I'm also a human but compare to 6 years ago which I usually and normally blogged about myself
either my feeling or just speak out loud how I feel
But recently since people start recognise me I feel insecure to write about my personal stuff on my blog anymore

Because..
Sometime I wish to have some little space and privacy for myself..
Even I feel sad i'm only allow myself to know it...
But every time Smelly noticed that

He noticed that I don't feel great since few days ago!
All I want  or I hope...
is only allow people think I'm the happy / the funniest Chanwon who love to talk a lot
I don't want people to look at me and know how weak am I 
because I'm always the one who support them and they need me...

My friend need me so I only can show how strong am I
But time flies, I feel so tired because I can't hold myself anymore


I choose not to say it loud because I know not everyone likes me and 
I don't need to explain further for them
For a true friend of mine...They will know it all without any further explanation...



My life seems very good and happy after I graduated and I earn every single cent and happiness myself.
I'm satisfied and I'm happy for who am I today...


I seriously very happy for everything
Until last week....
I experienced something in my life which make me feel really hurt.
Don't worry I'm not being dump by anyone but it's a case where I think I don't even care about 



BUT I DO CARE


even until now!!


Some friend ask me don't talk about it on my blog and some of them just ask me to blog as usual since it's my space and it's my own experience...
I treat you guys as my long term reader so I do share everything on my blog 
But sometime I skipped and don't want to blog something 'negative' on my blog

But this time I can't hold anymore. 
I just want to speak out! 

One weeks ago, I accepted an invitation from a quite popular magazine.
They asked me whether I'm interested to join their hair session for a magazine shoot.
They told me that I just need to dye my hair and shoot for my hair colour on the same day.

So..
I accepted it


I hope to help the girl too because I saw her before during a skincare event.
I'm also getting excited because she told me it should be a magazine shoot too.
I'm very happy and wait for the day. 

This was the worst decision I made!
I never blame on anyone but I'm quite disappointed and fed up now.
It was the first time I met the HairStylist. He own a salon and I think most of you heard about it before.


Nothing much happen but until he comb my hair and I stopped him
I told him that nobody told me that I need to cut my hair.
They just invite me to dye my hair but not to cut
I told him that I just back from Japan and I did my haircut no more than a month
and 
of course
I only allow trustable hairstylist I like to cut my hair


But I never told him like that I just keep on mention that
NOBODY TOLD ME THAT I HAVE TO CUT MY HAIR
I'm here to help you with your hair project and they told me just DYE

He turned slightly angry and he speak in Cantonese
while I only can speak in Mandarin but Cantonese only know a little bit
I think mainly because I don't get use to the way they talk
I feel they very rude in such a way

He asked me who was the one contacted me
then, he walk away very quickly and called the girl's name loudly.


Then you can imagine how the situation was..
I feel pity of that girl and I got no choice but to ask her out and explain because
really no one mention to me that I have to cut my hair!
I'm a little bit disappointed after that 


Because they treat me like it's mu fault to say NO to cut my hair.
The professional hairstylist's friends who just stand beside me...


He speak loudly and told me
'Wah...he normally cut one hair for about...RM200+ one'
'Now he want to cut but you don't want to let him cut a??'
'People want to cut also need to wait'


I zipped my mouth and just smile in an awkward way
But it's so sarcastic..am I right?
My friend told me if she was there with me she sure reply them back.
Normally people who cut my hair or asked me to be their model they have to paid me..
I don't care what the hell and how pricey your haircut is..


I JUST DON'T CARE
because it's none of my business I got no obligation on it
and I don't need any haircut from you even it's so pricey..


To be honest,
Most of the top and VERY pro hairstylist has attitude problem!
Maybe not most...I should say SOME
They will only be nice with you if you PAY and you are one of their customer.


I met quite a number of hairstylist throughout the past 5 years. 
I only blog or share places I love from my personal experience
and firstly, I really don't care who he is because if his attitude like that

I confirm I won't be his customer 
Just one an hour I can figure out his personality and he love to 'show face' to people
I'm not his friends and he was the one who pick and choose me
WHY I NEED TO SEE HIS FACE
He never paid for me and I just do it for kindness 
 I also hope that
I'm not his model on the day


I seriously can't understand WHY a professional hairstylist 
BEHAVE LIKE THIS!


The best part doesn't just stop here....
After the rejection of me he quite angry but I know he just keep on showing off from his expression
But still...He still behave like nothing and I don't even want to talk more since...
HIS FACE already turn very unhappy


Then he continue dye my hair
Some of his friends and people came to him and ask him what he did on my hair
He say just colouring lah...because I don't allow him to cut his hair
and he don't want to cut after my rejection too



I feel like "wth?! So it's my fault?
So...I keep on dayre and pray for god hope that he REALLY won't cut my hair..

Then he asked me why do I look different with photo..
He just make me feel uncomfortable every time he talk to me and I feel like it's really my fault to have my teeth like that!?!
In a way he also ask me to go for braces and ask me not to drag so long...

He's not a dentist and I did consult it before and 
I don't think he understand my own teeth more than myself.. really wtf*
So he continue talking in such a way a bit 嫌棄 or dislike my teeth


After 40 mins my hair turn into the colour he like. 
He very proud and he brought me show my hair to everyone 
His junior hairstylist , friends and top management people look at my hair and say
'Yeah it's nice and this model hair colour look very good'


Giving me such a compliment..I feel happy and most happy part was
He told me he don't want to cut my hair anymore since the colour payoff  very nice
He was so happy 
I'm so happy and feel relax after that

Happy because he get what he want and I no need chop my hair!
WOOOHOOO


Really !!!very happy and then he cut some part of my bangs because he told me that my teeth ...
my teeth very obvious and he hope to make my face more stand out
and he think that after cut my bangs to a thicker bangs can emphasise more on my hair not my teeth

So he make and cut my bangs thicker.
I'm quite happy too because I  no need to cut my precious hair! lol


Then they prepared chicken rice for all of us. 
Total 4 look they need to create 
and I'm under him which is short hair girl look
with a theme that they prefer


Next, I need to wait for the makeup artist to come and do my makeup.
The hairstylist told the makeup artist no need to do my eye makeup.
No need eyeliner..no need everything on my eye...
Just need to do the part below my nose..

So the makeup artist did my makeup only on my nose , mouth and area below my eyes...
Then the hairstylist very ambitious..
He say gonna be cool with the hair cover my eye and I just need to 
CLOSE MY MOUTH 

He told me he don't like to show my eye on this hair project
Then within 10 mins my makeup done
Makeup artist did applied very thick contour on my face , then my lips was so pale
because they applied nude colour on my lips


I look so freaking funny but is like that one for hair project
They need to show your hair not your face so I understand


So, everything get ready...
Camera on...


The photographer was a female and I feel quite happy I'm going back to my work
because i PURPOSELY take half day leave for this shooting


Then the hairstylist stand behind the camera.
I'm standing in front of 6-8 person and everyone was looking at the camera.

The hairstylist keep ask me..
in a way I can say he force me hardly to close my mouth

The first 10 photos came out right away they took it with me
Then I can easily feel the hairstylist's expression
He just in front of me..his face turned super green...

Like saw a ghost then he start to fed up again...
Not the first time I saw this and he get very angry but he still able to talk nicely
He told me ' CLOSE YOUR MOUTH..I don't want to see you open mouth'


....


Then I really can't ...Everyone of you know the reason behind it.
If I close my mouth THE photo will turn out damn ugly and look like I don't have a chin...
Really so ugly because the photographer really feel pity of me and ask me to look at the camera

I saw myself


...

I feel like I'm a alien with my mouth closed and the makeup make my face so shinny
I feel like I'm the ugliest in the world

Then the hairstylist very fed up *again*
He ask me to show my side of face


Next....he laugh in a awkward way...

He told his friends 
'hahaha...hahahaa.... How ah?' in Cantonese 
(hahaha hahaha...dim ah?)

I also feel like HOW A? 
Then my eye hiding under my hair and I keep saw his expression and sarcastic way of talking
I feel really hurt

Then I calm down myself and say
'I really can't close my mouth hardly..I need to open little bit and do this angle so that my expression won't look like a weird one'

He very angry and speak loudly to me 
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE
He told me that ' We can see it from the camera..No need you to mention'
'YOU JUST NEED TO STAND AND POSE WHAT I WANT'

Firstly, I never meet someone who was so rude
Secondly, I can just throw away the accessories and just walk away
BUT I really hate people that don't have responsible at all..


I know I can just walk away and scold him back but I choose to calm down 
and sit + pose it 

I TRIED MY BEST..

I really tried but he still feel very angry and he run to me..
Very rude to change my second hairstyle
He said this hairstyle can't cover my mouth so he changed to another one and make my hair 
ALL COVERED MY TEETH AND MOUTH

He don't wanna see my teeth and mouth..
I suggest maybe I can pose like a very sunshine crazy expression then shake my hair turn like that 
then they can see my hair colour and before I continue that..

he just keep comb my hair and blow my hair (in a very fast and rude way for me)
NOT GENTLE AT ALL

and all people who stand behind the camera totally keep their eyes on me...
I feel like I'm a ghost and nobody was there to guide me or comfort me


I photoshoot for so many time..
First time I feel really shame in front of so many ppl
He shake his head in front of me..
Taking a big deep breath...
Showing the fed up expression in front of me..


I tear...
I feel really hurt...


I try my best and before that I already told him that I can't fully close my mouth.
My chin will turn a weird shape after that and this the reason ...
why I always smile so bright on every photo of mine.


Then I comfort myself and tell myself not to run away
Because I,MYSELF
Accepted this invitation
and I need to be responsible for it



I can't just run away like this and I don't want people
to think that I'm the one who got attitude problem. 
I wipe away my tear and smile...then close my mouth again

then a old lady who also looking for this project went into the room
and keep comfort him say it's alright and they try the best to find the best angle of me
Ended up the left side and half of my face look better and colour payoff look good on the side look of mine


I suggest to pose with my hand 
So the lady say it's ok and ask me to use my hand to put around my neck like what I suggest
then ..

IT LOOK BETTER

But up to that point, the hairstylist really feel very very very fed up so he just 
..
stand behind the camera and see...
I think that lady must be quite powerful and he so respect her so...
I done the job within 12 mins after the lady came into the room..


After that no one else tell  me what should I do..
they just keep discussion which photo should they pick for the magazine
and I'm standing in front of the camera for 25 mins..
How I KNOW? Because I keep looking at my phone with my head down position

Hope and pray that can satisfied the hairstylist. 
I sit down..

I walk around..

I really don't know what should I do..

then I heard some of them say
'YEA. CAN..THIS IS NICE..SO 3 OF THIS PHOTO SHOULD BE ALRIGHT'

Then my tear immediately came out from my eyes
Like BURST out from my eyes.

Then the girl who invited me ask me to go out and she would like to talk to me.
The photographer also turn out right away 
I think they noticed that my eyes turned really red..

And I hardly talk after that..
Then i just tell them how unprofessional the hairstylist was..
I'm a blogger and I went to so many diff salon , experience diff hair spa experience with the same brand
I NEVER KNOW THAT

I can meet someone like HIM
Who never think about how people's feeling and just think about his work
his hair project

Never thankful for people who actually come and help him
Never comfort me but just showing the fed up face in front of me...


You guys wouldn't know how hurt am I
when everyone look at me...
and the hairstylist keep making some fed up + sound + expression
and everyone eyes like blaming me

But the funniest part was when I step out from the studio room...
his friend laugh at him...
I think this should be his bad and worst they too because he pick me to be his hair model

I feel sad for him and also feel sad for myself
Because I just went there all the way to let myself know how my ugly teeth should be an obstacle 
how those people hate my natural born teeth


Is this my fault to born in such a way?
I already did my consultation and now have to wait for the time to do my teeth exaction 
it take me 3 years to do the braces..it take me 4 years to save money and find the solution for my teeth
Every dentist told me that I need to under go for a surgery on my teeth 
which need to take out all my teeth and dunno how need to cut and re-structured it



You think it's really nice to look how you dislike my mouth?
You think I feel very happy that you blame on me?
You think it's my fault to make you feel fed up?

I think it's my fault to accept this project
and what I get is just make my own feel shame IN FRONT OF everyone



Until a point I look at my email 
I feel like going to surgery my whole mouth and teeth structure and die on the bed
I feel like immediately kill myself and maybe run away from all this shit situation

BUT WHAT I DID?
I STAY UNTIL THE END
I let you pull me down in front of everyone

my dignity...


I never know i can take this in such a way that I still choose to STAY
I'm not afraid anything but I know how a human should behave
I know what is responsible


You were the one who picked me...
You should be responsible to me and I feel so stupid why I still stay there for him
I can just throw and run away 

and I'm very disappointed that no one willing to stand out , talk to me but just watching be being humiliated 

No one dare to stop him from making me feel like this..They all knew it and I'm here that very thankful to the lady who actually came in and comfort me.


After all the shits happened.
The lady saw me playing with my phone with my very red eye and she say THANK YOU to me


now i know...
the hairstylist never worth for me to stay..even the lady also know how to say thanks to me..

But 5 mins before I leave
 the hairstylist walk & pass by me 
He look at me (that time I'm talking with the magazine team)
And he say Thanks ya chanwon!


I think one day...
he might need to know how I feel...
God will know and god will let him know..


I will swear to myself, next time, in the future 
(I hope that don't have any chance to experience something like this anymore)
I will speak for myself and 
I feel so stupid why should I keep it for myself and tear alone.



Then, I smile in front of the car mirror and tell myself everything will be alright
I just did my job and nothing much 
I have to be responsible ma..So I can't just run away from it


-Story ended-



On this post, I just want to show you guys that...I'm facing the reality world too. Which like most of you...who actually let someone to turn you down..or people just looked you down..which you can't do anything at that point but remember! You do everything for yourself and don't behave like them. They did bad to us didn't means that we need to do the same for them. 

I can run away , i CAN scold him back and i CAN do whatever I want but I choose to stay even I'm hurt, I'm sad and they laughed for my teeth. I feel humiliated but I know what's wrong and what's right. I know how a professional guy could be unprofessional at all. We just don't want to fight with them because they always think they are much higher than us.

They more 'atas' more clever and more rich than us. Is okay for them to think like this because we no need their agreement or permission on our life. It's our choice and I DID my brace not because him but for myself which I already mentioned this on my blog since years ago. To be honest, I'm very angry at first and I feel so freaking fed up too after I think back how he treat me...

I feel so unfair..why I deserve this..But after I write it on my blog. I won't feel the same way because I know we can't control what people think about us. He love to do this then let him be! Sometime we really can't control whether they like it or not. We just be the best for our own and do the best. If he still unhappy still hate my teeth then that's their problem.

I did the best to perform and done my part. I got nothing else to feel sad even I'm hurt at first. Now I feel alright because talking with all of you make me feel really comfort and I really don't wish you guys to experience this. This really hurt me a lot I can't sleep for a week just because of this. My brain scold myself why don't I just run away but my heart told me that I'm already the best.

I can't control him to like my teeth because he just think on his way. So I don't wanna be the same person like him who hate myself. I don't want to be in the same categories with  people like him. God will teach him the lesson and I hope he should stop to behave like this. Not I'm the only one and I told this to the PR who actually invited me to their hair spa event before.

She calm me down because she told me i'm not the only one. It's very normal especially those PR who need to work with them and collaborate with them. Just hope that no one else experience things like this in the future and I hope that I can always remember what I wrote on this post.

Now I shouldn't blame him anymore. I shouldn't feel sad anymore because he fed up with himself now and angry can only make him feel more angry but I got nothing else to make myself feel hurt on his fed up and anger. I should stand up and walk away from this nightmare and feel proud of myself for being a responsible one who stay until the end even no one else help me at that point.

This might be the only way to comfort myself out of this situation but I really hope that my reader who are like my sis and bro...You guys should help yourself up when people looked down at you. It's a lesson in our life and more thing come for us after all of the shit happen. I really don't want any of you to experience this and one day if you standing on the top of your friends/ family..don't try to look down anyone else.

They could be someone useful... just like my family don't think I can do anything on my own BUT I DID IT. I myself don't think my dream came true but I DID it..I went to Japan and spend my own money BUY WHATEVER I like...For those who experienced this...I'm sorry and those who looked you down might regret one day...

Don't feel sad about it because I'm might be the same like you too. But just remember we are always together and people will love you will always love you for who you are. Don't feel sad because I hope to lend you my shoulder too if you wish to cry out loud. Remember :) We don't care or nO NEED TO CARE about what people think about us because until the end of our life..we still live for our own.


Sweet Sweeties! We all must work hard together and achieve our dream together okay? I'm 23 years old now and it's quite happy to see you guys grow together with me. I'm waiting the day I get married, got baby , and I hope to bring you guys with me to everywhere and every stage I went trough my life. No need any explanation after all of this. Love,xx.

God created us and love us for who we are! Love yourself and stick with people who truly love you. I found someone who love myself and I hope I can spread all the love for those who feel sad or need to talk it out when something bad happened on you. Don't be afraid , things always happen for a reason! When no one comfort you, remember that you need to comfort yourself and I'm always here to be with you :) Work hard and fighting together! Achieve our dream together! 


原本很生氣的我 但現在心裏就釋放了很多
不要把別人的過錯放在自己的身上來氣
因為氣的真的真的只有你自己
所以學會放過自己,也放過別人的錯
我們不能控制別人對我們喜歡還是不喜歡
不喜歡的不管你做什麼,有多努力都還是不喜歡
把時間活在和花在喜歡你的人身上
謝謝不喜歡的你人
謝謝討厭你某種的人
因為這樣你才能脫離他們 活出你自己
因為你自己跟他們是不一樣的

也學會不要小看別人
要顧忌別人的感受
一開始很不明白 為什麼人家可以不顧我的感受
但我不再找答案
因為有些事情越在意 等於拿自己來辛苦
事情過了以後 生氣了生氣後
我們還是不能改變什麼
做好自己就好了

這是我到了這個階段 想告訴自己的話
要讓自己成長 就必須經過開心的,不開心的
但是最後還是希望自己要一直抱這種想法開心的活出自我
不然我們永遠長不大
永遠都在角落 

記得要學會接受
接受別人也有不喜歡的自由 不喜歡自己的自由
那麼我們接受了之後就不會再太執著也不會那麼不開心

給自己和你們的話,
我們一起加油!



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