It's been awhile and this isn't a good time for me but I miss all of you so much. I don't think i should update something negative on my blog but I really need to talk to my blog and you. You know few years back I love to release my stress here or I just simply have to vent. I think it's a private space for myself but now when every time I wish to update something more private I need to think twice. I mean it's the power of internet and I don't wish anyone of you to know that I'm quite weak and 'fragile'.
I hope to write and deliver everything positive to my reader but sometime I wish to share my ups and downs with you guys too. I don't know what can I do now rather than just typing here and blogging this for all of you. I just know that I can't live without my little world, my blog. Back to the topic, this Chinese New Year wasn't great for me because my grandfather just passed away few days ago. It's not fully about the celebration but the emotional and expression I seen over the past few days.
I now strongly understand why people tend to be so negative after back from funeral and those who really mind the culture do & don't do they won't able to celebrate any further and people can't visit their house. So all of us, our relatives were super down during the past few days. I never thought that all relatives and cousins will be there during the funeral and we all gather together not because of this chinese new year but it's the last chance to see my grandfather.
Memories , cried , sad , tears...
Everyone look and concern each other. Not sure why but I cry a lot during the last day on the funeral because of the emotional and also all the sad story in my mind. I didn't really want to talk but so much thing keep running on my mind. I feel so confuse , afraid and lost. Like the whole life no matter how rich you are, what you do to the world or anything ...everyone will be facing the same thing , which is leaving someone you love and die.
During the funeral I met most of my relative (that wasn't close with me / or super long distant relatives) Some of them cry ,some kids not sure what happen but just playing around. My brother and I sit on the chair and just looking at the sky. I saw so much changes there. All kids grow up and I'm the eldest female in both of my parent's side. I shouldn't cry, I shouldn't be negative. Some relative was there and asked about my job, life, when is the time I should get married & blablablablabla~
I'm so bored and I can't sit alone because I always end up think too much when I'm alone that's why...I'm...talkative lolx! My way of release my stress = TALK TALK TALK. So all my cousins around 11-15 years old come talk with me. I rarely see them because last time they were so small and young, when I play around with them all my relative will blame me. Told me not to be so childish and play with the kids and actually I love kids a lot because they are just like an angels for me. So most of the time, I will just do some random and normal conversation.
This time, I got one cousin which her mom just passed away few years back and for all of the reason I thought maybe I should go talk with her. She seems to be happy but imagine if your mom passed away when you are just in primary school. I talk to her a lot and i realise they grow up. Really! Not like last time. Last time they just so small and just know how to play and immature but just few years. They changed and grow up like this.
They talk about themselves , they talk about what difficulties they faced , they talk about this and that. I saw my dad so sad but he just act nothing keep make himself drunk and everyone blame him on that. I know because I sit at a side and look around. I observe everything within that few days. So much changes in my life and...life is short + how time flies. During my graduation ceremony I blame my dad why brought my old grandparent come to my convo because my grandparent both was sick and they can't really walk well. All of us need to take care of them and the place there = SUPER DUPER HOT.
I keep looking them and this is why I didn't really take photo with my Uni Friends. I feel so bad now because since the day I missed the chance to talk and have the photo opportunity with my closed friend. Plus, I also didn't get a chance to talk photo with my uni lecturer. You know how important it's for me. I got once blaming them because I'm not really closed with my father's side relative so I think it's not a big deal if they didn't come to my convo. So I never invite since I just want to prove to both of my parent.
I'm selfish on that point and I still blame my father for inviting them to come and look at me during my convo. I just feel so hard for me to take care too much of relative if you know what I mean. Less is more..I always think like that. But during the funeral when they showed the photo I took with both of my grandparents....I feel so bad really...Like how can I think like that... My father told me I'm the first one who graduate from uni and my 'yeye' (grandfather) only get the chance to see me..and now he passed away.
People always told me to appreciate before it's too late. I always tell myself, there are so many time and years i'm going to spend with them so more or less this wasn't change but now it change . Time flies...we can't turn the time back and we can't repeat the same mistake we had done in our life. My yeye now no longer sick and no need to be suffer at the hospital bed and my mind keep thinking back the bright smile he showed to me during my graduation. Now..I know how important of them in our life even we not really see each other often.
I really can't take it when someone leave. Not just because of die but I can't take it when people forget about me or telling me that I'm not important for them. I stress myself too much , I hope everyone laugh when I'm beside or talking to them.But in facts, I'm the one who need someone to talk with me. I always like to talk and all the thing I talk actually just because I have to vent but sometime people might not want to hear. Idk , I only realise some people actually hate to talk with me once we get really closed because I'm no longer the unhappy one. So I keep it for myself...i keep it..not going to lie I got so many secret now which I wish to share but I can't because I'm afraid.
I'm afraid people know I'm weak, I'm afraid to show people I'm fragile too. I just wish to be the best in front of everyone so that they can stick to me in long term without throwing any negative or rubbish to them. Last time, friendship was the first priority for me. I can do whatever I can, I talk whatever I think that is right and teach them.
But the reality was,
sometime people might not what to hear your so called 'principles'. Punctuality might be important for you but when you trying to prove it's important and telling your friend how important it is. People prove you were wrong. Prove that you shouldn't be so stress up. and prove me that I stress up myself and they feel stress when they were with me. You know how heartbreaking the time I take it? I thought everyone should be the same and know me well for thing I did but in fact, it's not. Not everything you 'think' really works because each people have different mind.
After this 2 years since ever I step out from my comfort zone, whatever I thought and think wasn't in the way I want it to be. Life change so much and I met so many people that I think they are real to me but in reality , they kept it for themselves and I feel i'm the only one who think too much and too many principles. Reality proved me I'm wrong. I took few months to get it back, I look at thing they told me and hurt me and I look at them.
They don't even sad and I'm just the one who cared so much. I think it's enough for me. I will now put the first priority for my family. I got real friends who care and concern me. I'm thankful for but I'm sad that the reality teach me not to trust everything 100% and you tell people 100% people won't tell you 100% in return but they just told you maybe 10%.
People who know me well know that I won't lie to people I love. I talk whatever I feel that was wrong and I talk straight to the point. I tell the real thing that happen on my life and I speak 100% to people but reality teach me not to do so. You know until now i told myself not to care too much but in fact, i still can't accept. I can't accept that people think that I'm strong enough to hold anything. I'm too tired to be independent. I'm too tired to change my mind and learn to keep something for myself.
I don't want my life just about having and getting. I won't give up and I believe there will be a rainbow if I trust on them. They will feel it or maybe they won't but god will know :) He will know how much I appreciate my life and I will always be there for my friends. I'm just too real and I just can't change it. People told me not to tell people the real thing but only tell them what they wish to hear. No people bother whether your way of talking is for their own good or what...
But I won't give up. I don't want to be like them and be with those fake people. I trust the god and trust them. At least out of 100 friends...I can maybe help 1 of them? When they need me, when they need listener but I will also learn to leave some of my space to take care more on my family part and my own life. Maybe i should learn not to talk too much things that people don't like to hear. Should I?
this question...I keep reminding myself. Think over and over again but I can't change my mind. My brain just ask me to do whatever I think it's good. If the person who don't like , they will leave. I should be sad if they leave but there are always some lesson I learn. This is life and lesson we need to know before we grow older.
I'm thankful that this time, I learned something again. Maybe the process was hurt and suffer but at least I tried. I tried and for those who don't like me or think i'm useless , I just hope that at least you remember me when I'm no longer exist in this world. Not sure how long I can survive but I will make my life to be the best one for me. If not , at least I tried and just don't listen too much negative noise in your life. If people told you that he is good or bad , take it as advice and you will know it yourself whether he/she is the one for you. Do something that make you learn and grow.
Rest in peace , yeye.
We love you and appreciate people around you. Your friends , family , partner , enemy , your pet or anyone. You will regret if you lost them in your life. Either one of them... you will feel so empty if you lack of either one of them because it's life.
All the best and sorry if I'm late, Happy CNY and hope you guys enjoy this celebration and don't as emo as me T.T Love xx. Hug* Thanks for all your time :) I feel better now and I hope this blog should be our secret garden and place to share about our story too ok? xx