▐ DEARDIARY #11▐ Changes

12 April 2018

Our life is full of surprise and changes. There are some good and bad one. Sometime we get really upset with changes. We aren't expect anything from that, either gaining some lesson or losing something. For me either way, it's not everything 100% good of bad. Sometime it's just ourself couldn't figure out what's the best.

My life had changed so much, especially these two years. For me it's give and take. I learned so much from standing there doing nothing, blaming someone for their fault to now, moving forward to my goal and have a better mindset about my own life and to-do. I changed from a talkative and straight person to a person who know what to say and what not to. Although sometime I just can't hide away my feeling and still say it out, but at least I'm better.

Someone asked me ' do you have any competitors?' I think twice and ask myself in that 30 second and my answer is, no one is the best and I don't think I'm the best either. I don't take anyone as my competitors because I seek to learn from people I admire, people who better than me and successful than me. I just want to have a better me rather than thinking to put someone as a 'competitor'. The person shocked and look at me.

I was like 'huh?' Why? Then I ask myself, why people can't get and think like me. There are always someone better than you, no matter how long you have been in your position, there are always someone which is prettier , younger and better than you. Why putting yourself into that black world, why not taking time to improve yourself, learn from the better one and be the better you.

That's my answer and until now there are 1/10 person I met (as a friend) have the same mindset like me. When I talking with someone which is more aggressive and ambitious one, they always laughed at me, telling me how the real world is and asking me there are only two ways to deal with it. Either success or fail. I understand when it comes to the real world, there are only two ways, either it's right or wrong/ left or right.

For me, they just can't think outside of the box. The world is big, we have so much thing to experience and learn from. Why there are always someone who telling me their own kind of 'success' but never understand what's actually important to me. The more people I met, the more I'm glad that I finally found what's important on me. At first, it was cruel for me, to understand the whole game and get bullied , or laughed by someone else because I'm not in their standard.

I wasn't change at all, I'm still me but a better me who accepted who am I in order to really fall in love with myself. From a person who only know standing on my own comfort zone and looking others better than me, comparing myself to someone else's goal. That's not what I want for my life.

I'm pretty sure this happened on you guys all the time. You parents always telling you someone is better than you working in a better place, getting paid in very high salary, driving their own luxury cars and that's their form of 'Happy Life'. They never know the behind-the-scene story. No one will know except yourself should know the best of yourself.

Then if you are working, you feel so sad because you work so so so hard, but no one knows and why can't you be like someone else, or maybe that person de-value you. You feel so disappointed, sad, unconfident about yourself and then your life. You feel the world is so dull, you feel like crying because no one love you. You just complain at the rest of your life.

Then now, will you get better after that? NO! Will someone help you? NO! Will someone understand your situation? NO! Only you get the answer and only you know what's the best for you. Why bother someone's comment over your life, telling you what should you do. Take it as motivation and advice, MORE FORWARD & make the change.

If you feel so sad about your job, then quit and do something that you want. Not always asking or hoping someone to change your life for you. No one could help except yourself. In the past, I always seek for advice and looking for someone would lend me a hand so that I could get better but at the end of the day, I know, only me and of course, myself make the change.

Changing my perspective, my mindset, setting my own goals and there are a lot of 💩 out there. Always devalue yourself, why must you take it? Why don't take time to learn how to improve instead of standing in the same position over and over again. In the end of the day, we are the bad one who devalue ourself because they can speak anything from their mouth, without any concern about your feelings and etc. You can be sad, feel hurt or get really emotional. It's very normal, but after all remember to stand up, walk like a queen and kill them with success.

Years ago, people looked down on me. Laughing at my dream and telling me I can't be success. If I trust them, then I won't be here to talk with you guys. No matter how potato you are, there are always a reason and purpose for us to live and it's our life. Why bother them? Are they the one will be responsible to your life or success? No. They are the mirror for us, we need to learn from them and not hurt someone else like how they hurt us.

So always remember, be humble and yet have your own values. Do whatever that matters to you, mix with people who have good mind and heart. No matter how good their life is, it's not yours. Only bother the on matters for you. Set your own goals and follow your own life's timeline. Not other's life. If you feel unhappy about your life, make a change. It can be a little changes , not necessary to be a big one.

Ask yourself, if this person isn't makes you happy then why are you still there waiting someone to hurt you. Don't blame them because they are not you, they will never understand how terrible or how sad you feel. Each person has their own perspective of life and we always think someone's life is better than our. This is very common and human being always think like that but you could make a change. Change your mindset, mix with the right group of people and be the good one as a role model.

Remember I'm just like you guys. I'm always a potato but even me can be better than the past. I believe you guys can too. Each of us has the chance to shine.

For the past 24 years, whenever I feel sad or feel really emotional. I will immediately called my friends, cry and throwing them my problems. I know friends are always there for us but sometimes, our problems is our problems. They can only be the listener and I don't wanna throw my problems to them. So I learned to be silent for awhile, let myself set for awhile, giving myself a deep breath and thinking the solution to solve the problem instead of complaining to people I love.

Then I realise, my friend never complain to me in the past because they can't stop me from talking. I'm too talkative and I feel I'm so selfish for don't even listen to their problems. But few years after, I'm pretty sure they knew I changed, the conversations and topic changed. I no longer talking about my work but talk more and share more about things that I met , something that help me or brighten my day. They now sharing their story to me and I will be the listener to them too.

That's what friendship for. Help each other to grow to a better one instead of telling how good YOU are. It's even happier if all of us can be successful in the future than wearing the crown myself. It's too lonely and I'm so happy for my friends because I'm always proud of their work. I'm always proud of Smelly, my brother and people I met.

Whenever I have free time, I try to talk with them, ask them about their job and trying to understand more about it. Because people around me always has something for me to learn from. Although most of my life is meeting with the wrong people but I'm always happy for the good one who showed me their kind heart and always be so down-to-earth. I do have sad or unhappy day. But I choose to 'eat it away' and the next day is still a happy day for me.

I hope everyone of you, if you are still young then don't bother about this post because you will learn when you have grown up. But for people who still feel struggle about what's going to happen and feel doubt about your life, tell your heart that you are going to take the challenge and make the changes about it. You will always be someone that you will be proud of even just a small achievement of your life, you will be happy because you receive and get it with your own hard work, your sweat and all that.

Be happy for who you are no matter how or what's your background. Be kind and humble to everyone you meet. Few years later, you will be really proud of yourself. This year 2018, you going to make a change now.

I'm 26 years old now, I have so many to-do and goals that I set for myself. I can't waste my time anymore. I can't wait to reach 30 (except getting old from my appearance lol) and the past of my life, I care too less about myself and too much about other's life. Is time for myself, my target and my own goal. Everyday I'm excited over any changes (I know sometime changes are really not the good one, but with the good mindset, you will meet with the right one after that) and be happy every morning because it's a new chance for me to learn new thing and experience something that I never experience before. 

I finally feel no doubt about myself (not waiting someone to tell me what to do) and be more happy about what I have now. I live my own life. I hope you found something that you really like and fight for it. You can do it :) I always proud of you guys too! Thanks for supporting me since the past few years. I'm will always be me, your favourite crazy chanwon ever. If I ever said thank you to you, it's really from the bottom of my heart. Thank you loves~ xoxo.