▐ DEARDIARY #13▐ Fail Friendships

08 July 2018

So for the past few days I got some email and dm asking me how I found or determine which or who is my true friends. How I stay in that circle or should I say how I found the right circle for myself. I guess I'm no longer a kid anymore, no longer have so many friends compare to the past. In our study period, we get a lot of opportunity to meet new people and most importantly we didn't really work everyday so most of the time we just go gathering and meet up or hang out with friends. 

We go out very often without worrying who we meet, as long as it's fun, we normally just go ahead and said' Let's go!'  We go to gathering and attend as many gathering as possible. Although most of the time I was like, I wish to go out but as you guys know my parents are really strict on me. So I didn't get as many freedom as now or if compare to most of my friends. Then once you get older, you start to have work and your personal things to deal with, you go out less and even busy with your own stuff. Or should I say, you are no longer able to go out meet new people like in the past. At the same time, you grown up and know how to differentiate what kind of friends you have and don't really want to waste your time or get influence with the bad one.

So slowly, when I'm able to differentiate the diff between healthy and unhealthy friendship, I stop wasting my time to entertain anyone as I know, I couldn't have so much time for them. Even myself was so busy and I couldn't even have some time for myself. For the past few years when I was still a 20 years old girl, I don't mind people who take my as granted as I always thought it must be a lesson for me or I could learn more by doing extra stuff for them. Soon, after years of being that I feel like people who take me as granted no longer appreciate me and they always think I'm the one who always say 'Yes' to them and I slowly can't see myself. I felt lose in a way that I couldn't feel it's even real. I start feeling I'm not in a right circle, questioning myself why I felt so negative when I'm going out with this circle.

Most of them aren't my close friends but I treated he/she with my real heart. But after years, I realise that I'm wasting of my time because most of the time they are just comparing things about themselves with others and always telling me what I should do but not asking me what I really want.  Soon, I figure out that I'm no longer happy being a person that always please someone. I feel really unhappy as I can't say no just because I'm always a yes person. Feel so unhappy because I can't voice out and can't say NO.

Each time they call me asking for help, they knew that I will be the one said Yes and when I'm having a huge trouble, there aren't there for me. So I started to question myself like, am I be in the right circle for myself. Then slowly, even I feel bad from rejected their request but still I'm no longer able to please someone else and taking myself as a person with no value, I start to say No and rejecting their request. And soon, we no longer a close friends anymore. We didn't really argue just that I feel so tired holding the friendship and I just put more effort on growing an healthy relationship with the right one.

I often asked myself, blame myself are the one who spoil the friendship and said No. That was me when I first reached my early 20. I have no confidence in myself, I always say yes, I always please someone and always afraid to voice out my own opinion and being so afraid to lose someone else.

Then a lot of you asking me like, how to filter fake friends. How to deal with fake friendship. That's exactly my questions when I was still as young as you guys. HAHAHA So funny right we all got that special moment where we totally feel lost over something and don't even know what to do and which is the right thing to do.

To be honest, a healthy relationship shouldn't be like that. When it comes to a real relationship, no matter it's gf/bf or your friends, one should always respect each other and be in their shoes. A good friendship isn't easily spoil by saying no or rejecting one another. When I was young, I really don't know how to differentiate which is good and which isn't. I only wish that I could be their good friend so I always trying my best to say YES. Unlike relationship, personally I feel friendship is harder for me because I always take it as my first priority. 

I talk to many friends a lot, there are like the best best thing ever happen on me. Whenever my friendship fail, I feel depressed , I can't sleep at night and cry over and over again. Like breaking up with someone I love. Smelly always the one who tell me the truth, he always ask me to be myself rather than the one who only know how to say yes. He always ask me to tell them the truth that I really can't make it but I just can't say NO to my friends. lol Feel so stress each time I say I can't go out as my parent were so strict on me.

Then soon they no longer date me out or hang out with me. Then I feel sad and cry over and over again. I hate the feeling of someone left me behind. I'm so afraid at the same time that I can't go out and couldn't join the event with them lol. So childish lah me!! xD 

I always hope to be the one who can help my friend when they need me, I must be the one who say yes. So I'm being so stress about it and take it so hard. I don't understand why we no longer friend anymore just because I can't hang out with them. I blame myself, saying sorry for millions time. In the end, I'm just a hi bye friend to them. For me, they are like my world. So funny right!! I really dunno how much I have grown up until these day. I start to value myself more and only be in the right circle.

I feel much better, I mean SO MUCH BETTER as I no longer need to hide my feelings and I can speak whatever I want with all my friends. They treated me like a real sis and help me along the way to become who I am now. Yes, finally after so many years. lol I learned to see my values and also respect myself that I could have a choice by saying yes or no. It's no longer a problem for me to say No and I never force myself to say a YES.

So the question come back " How to say No to fake friends"

Like how we use to complain and think like, why all my friends so fake. I dont even want to hang out with fake friends but everyone around me is just so fake. lol OMG I can't believe I use to think in such way lol. But really, when you think like that, there is no way gonna help you and you are still continue to be in that fake circle.

I guess my answer is, whenever you feel it's not the right one. Just leave it. Dont gossip about them, and just let them be and don't be like ' Okay, I just going to be fake too'. NO NO, this is not going to help you. If you continue to be in that circle, you will feel so unhappy and so negative.

Maybe it could take some time for you to know whether are you in the right circle or not but trust me, when you reach your early 25, you have less time for them and slowly, you will find the right way to stay in the right circle because people start to work and busy with their own stuff. Soon, you will find that you have less friends but at the same time, you grown up seeing so many real one besides you.

My really close friends always ask me like' why ahhh chanwon, why you always think like you are the one who did something wrong. Then I was like 'ahhhh, because I think I'm the one' lol Then they start to brainwash me in a way that asking me like ' did you do something after that, did you go find them did you blablabla' Then I said ' YES of course'  Then they told me, so after you have done all of these, did they show up and appreciate your effort? I cried and say NOOOO. Then I will tell them I used to be their good friends....Then my friend will answer me like ' Yes yes..... you used to' Then I was like 😭😭😭

Which I get even sad after that because I use to speak with them with my hearts and telling them my feelings but they just told me, no worries. It's okay and we didn't just blame you because you can't go out with us. The next day I spot their gorgeous selfie with the same gang of friends but without me. HAHAHAHAHA OMG so drama in the past. Then I cried and feel like breaking up again lol. #slapmyselfplease

We all have that moment in our life. Am I right?

Smelly and few of my really close friends always scold me for being like that. I always say sorry when I'm not even wrong because I afraid someone get angry and I don't want disappointed my friends. Soon after few years of holding an unhealthy relationship, I broke up into pieces and I take a break from it. That was me 4-5 years ago. I'm not confident with myself in the past because I always think about others instead of myself. 

I never ask for help from my friends, but at night I cry when nobody there. Not even in front of Smelly. That's the time where I thought my world could be empty and pretty lonely without friends. But there are few really true friends that I couldn't even realise they actually feel worried for me. They ask me out for few times but you know my parents were pretty strict for me in the past and I dont even have my own car at that time.

So I was asking myself why and I never talk it on my blog or to you guys because I always think maybe I'm still confuse and not sure what to do. But now after I'm already at my late 26 lol, I realise my world start to change when I see more things and behave differently.

When you are the only one who trying so hard to hold that unhealthy relationship, one day you will get really tired and exhausted. When you keep saying yes to others, dont know how to say a NO, you will soon become someone that has no value because you dont even know how to express your own feeling. Soon, you become the 'FREE STUFF' That people call whenever they need. They thought you have no feeling at all. Then repeat the story again, you cry over and over again lol

I cried like 2347302483024832 times that time until I feel like slapping myself now. But still I never blame anyone now because I know I did something wrong to, which is never dare to voice out and they aren't the one who force me to say yes. The problem is MYSELF and the way I think.

So actually the answer is you, YOURSELF.

If you think you are surrounded with fake friends, you are unhappy with your current circle, just leave it and put more time for yourself and some real one. Don't give up on friendship and dont think in a way like ' you gonna forever fail on your friendship' because you dont know one day, maybe someone sitting beside you could turn out become your real friend.

I wasted so many time on unhealthy friendship and I dont want you guys to be the same like me. If you are unhappy just leave it and grow some new friendship that worth your time and effort. Go out to see more of yourself, world is so big and don't stop yourself from that.

Go out to meet with people whether is going to be the right or bad one, at least you know you no longer wasting your time and feel so unhappy on that friendship. Also, be as kind as you are now and continue to treat others like how you wish to be treated.

You should find your happiness, growing yourself into a better person and then you will be so surprise because your kindness and your happy mind will attract the right one and come to your life. You will see things differently. I don't really believe read from the book but law of attraction does help. When I no longer mix in the wrong circle, I feel so much happy about myself.

No need to hide my feelings and all my friends are here for me, supporting me through these years even we can't meet everyday but we still contact and talk with each others. I meet a lot of nice people after that, I became a better person like them. We all grown up together and until now, I'm so blessed and so happy that I have so many true friends in my life. Some I met through my blogging life, some I met during my oversea trip and some I met for years but only knowing them are the true one for me after my fail friendship hahahaha!!

Please continue to be you and I really believe that treating other as kind as possible will not making you any less worthy but in a way that after your fail relationship, you only know how to appreciate the right one and be in the right circle. Without those fail relationship, I won't be as happy as I am now and I guess I could still figuring and feel lost about myself.

Dont be afraid on that because when you are ready for that, your mind and soul will attract the same mind set people into your life. You no longer need to search for it because those people normally came when you have least expecting it and you will be really surprise like how I feel now. I really don't even know how can I overcome all these problem but trust me, you will be alright after all.

Now reading back my old diary I just wish I get a room to hide away lol. I can't believe all of my really bad luck and fail story could make me a better person now. Also, taught me in a way that I could feel the little happiness everyday. Even just a little one, it simply.... just made my day. I'm glad that pain has taught me to appreciate all these little things. Although I sound like an old grandma now, but that's the truth. I have learn from all the lessons and I'm happy with whatever it is now.

Life is always full of surprise and please sweeties...remember to live your life to the fullest. I wish everyone of you could find the right circle and be happy! There are so many good things around us, move forward and see what's the good one around you, don't stop yourself just because you had some bad experience in the past. One day you will be really surprise if you just let life happen.

And if you ask me what's the best relationship I have in my life, my answer is... you guys. It's not because you are my readers or followers...

It's because your support toward my blog and for years we still never meet with each other LOL and at the same time, you guys are like my real life friends who know what kind of person I am without even knowing me in real. Like you know what I like and my story. Seeing me grow and I still can't believe I'm actually talking with you guys when I'm typing all these.

What I want to say is just..

Thank You for being here with me for years and still never give up on me. HAHAHAH I believe this kind of relationship is like the best one ever! I really hope to be able to meet all of you one day so I could at least know your face lol or maybe seeing you smile and telling me that you read my blog. Arghhh, I just love our relationship like this.

Don't know what to say and how to end this but just thank you for being here with me. Thank you xoxo.